Day 4

Its me, Andrya, this time.  Today was a pretty bad day emotionally.  All I want is to get out of this hopsital.  My docotors and nurses keep telling me to get up and walk and do the breathing machine and eat.  This pisses me off more than anything, because I'm not retarded.  I already know this stuff and want to do it, but I just don't have the energy.  So then I get chasternized by my husband with the same stuff.  I've told them that if they want me doing these things, then they need to stop putting all this junk in my body so I can feel well enough to do.

Dr. McGuirk was extremely annoying about this today.  I guess he doesn't like be questioned about his practices.  Well too bad, that is my job as a patient to advocate for myself.  I don't understand why they have to keep putting chemo into me when all my cells have been delpleted.  His response to that is that its only going to get worse before it gets better and I have to have a better attitude.  I told him that he was being condescending to me and treating me like a child.  He didn't like that.  Pretty much the only thing we could see eye to eye on was if I don't get out of bed, I'm going to die of a piss poor attitude while in the bed. 

I have asked the last 2 doctors to tell me what it means that it is going to get worse before it gets better.  I already felt like crap and am strarting to feel better.  If I have to go through that pain and suffereing again, I don't know if I want to do it.  I want the doctors to explain the purpose of methotrexate after the bone marrow transplant.  Methotrexate is another chemo drug that I have to get every other day.  My counts are at 0 where they want them, so I don't see the point of continueing to destroy my body from the inside out.

So Dr. McGuirk set up a consult with the physch department.  It was a resident the reviewed what was going on and then his attending came in.  Their solution is to put me on Seroquel.  Well I for sure am not having that because 1.  it is an antiphychotic, which I am not.  2.  it is a mood stabilizer.  Yes, I am in a bad mood, but I'm dealling with BONE MARROW FAILURE, so it is ok to be in a bad mood! 3.  it make you into a zombie - meaning if they thought that I wasn't getting out of bed enough now, I'd never get out of bed on Seroquel.  I am absolutely OFFENDED by these quacks that they think this is the best option for me.  So all in all I got into arguments with a resident, a Psychiatrist and my BMT doctor and have offending a handful of nurses..  All of which ended up with me just still being mad and wanting to go home.

I know this is not a pleasant post today, but there are going to be bad days.  I just want this to be over with and I just want to go home.